Standing Still Until You
by Lune Nightingale
Summary: G1: This is a side story from Bluestreak's POV after Chapter 9 of Light of the Sun. There are flashbacks of before Sideswipe died. Angst!Fluff! Sides/Blue


**Title:** Standing Still Until You…

**Author:** Lune Nightingale

**Series:** Transformers G1

**Rating:** PG

**Notes:** This is a side story to _Light of the Sun_. It will be from Bluestreak's point of view and will comprise of current (being chapter 9 after the conversation with Sunny) and flashbacks from before the story arc. It will be both sweet and sad. I hope this will help everyone see how I was setting up Sides/Blue. Really? This one is for you LamboTwinLove. –Heart-

**Warnings:** Much angst and sorrowful contemplation.

**Disclaimer:** I do not own any of the characters from Transformers or the lyrics of "High Enough". They belong to Has/Tak and Damn Yankees respectively.

_I don't wanna hear about it anymore  
It's a shame I've got to live without you anymore  
There's a fire in my heart  
A pounding in my brain  
It's driving me crazy_

_We don't need to talk about it anymore  
Yesterday's just a memory  
Can we close the door  
I just made one mistake  
I didn't know what to say when you called me baby_

-High Enough by Damn Yankees-

Everything was like a carousel, spinning in circles, replaying life again and again. There was a point in life, where he had been so very happy. His home town and all those he loved had made life worth living. That is, they had until the Decepticons destroyed it all. In just a few hours everything he knew and loved was simply gone. Now here he stood as living proof that lighting could and would strike the same place twice.

Joining the Autobot cause had been simply to pay back the force led by Megatron for what they'd taken away from him. He was good natured and fun loving by nature. Some of his comrades teased that he wouldn't even harm an earth fly if he could help it. It was achingly true. He despised war and everything it stood for. There wasn't a moment that he wanted to be anywhere but in the midst of the war, but he fought on for those around him and so that no one else would suffer the way he had. So, he simply covered his pain with talking and chatter. When he couldn't get his thoughts straight fast enough, he would just laugh and tease himself to make others laugh.

Life was simpler if you never had to face the facts. That was when he met Sideswipe. The Lamborghini had been like a lighthouse on the shore while he was lost at sea. At first it was simply a great friendship born of his own desire to simply know the mech and his twin brother. Where had it all changed? He couldn't really say. All he knew was that it had changed and with it his entire world. But just as quickly as he took hold of it, it was ripped away. Worst of all, it was taken by the exact same reason his home had been. Decepticons.

Try as he may, he never understood them. He hated them and he really didn't like to hate. He wasn't so shallow as to identify them as the embodiment of evil. More than anyone else, he knew that war wasn't about wrong or right. To either side of the battlefield, there was a firm belief that what they were fighting for was right. At least, he preached that to himself in his processor daily to remember until the day Sideswipe was killed saving his twin.

He remembered that day in vivid detail and how he didn't even get to say goodbye. There was no finality; they'd never even had the chance to start. In order to make it through the days that followed, he constantly blocked out that memory and chose to regret the one that meant the most to him.

-Flashback-

"Hey Blue! C'mere!" The taller mech was smiling impishly as he waved a black hand to the gunner in a quick motion. At first he hesitated, he was supposed to be on patrol, but in the end he shuffled toward the other nervously. There was an all knowing carefree grin on the Lamborghini's face as he rocked back on his heels waiting for the Datsun to come to him.

"What is it, Sides?" Looking at the other inquisitively, he felt his internals heat up at the look in those blue optics. They seemed to be staring straight into his circuitry and dissecting him. "I'm actually on--!" Before he could finish, the known prankster gripped his forearm and yanked him into the bushes at a fast trot.

It wasn't unlike the lighthearted twin to cause trouble, but he generally tried not to get the Gunner into it as well. Part curious, part worried, he looked back over his shoulder to make sure that Prowl hadn't seen his sudden disappearance. Today was the day that he went through the daily routine with the SIC. Now he was sure he'd get a nasty audio full from the other Datsun promptly on return.

Looking back at the one pulling him along, he tried hard not to stumble through the earth foliage, but it was proving tricky. "Sides… where are we going?" The other merely looked over his shoulder and pressed a finger to his lips in a playfully shushing gesture.

"Just wait!" The tone was singsong and his spark managed to do a flipflop in his chassis. Forcing air in through his intakes, his fans kicked in to cool his internals. He rarely had the pleasure of just Sides' company. Speaking of… where was his ever present attachment at the hip?

"Where's Sunny?"

"Recharging…" The tone was a bit remorseful and rather quiet. It felt as though the other was sneaking out on his twin. That just seemed completely unreasonable.

"Oh…" He didn't know what to say. It was rare that he was this quiet. When he was nervous he did anything to fill the void, but right then, he felt like his equilibrium had been thrown. Dropping his gaze to the hand on his arm, he relished the contact for everything that it was worth. How long had it been since he'd realized he had fallen for the red twin?

However long, all he knew was that he'd tumbled face first into love and couldn't find his way out. Ever since then he felt anxious in the other's presence. The only thing that kept him in line and quiet had been the constancy of Sunstreaker's presence. It didn't take a genius to see how much the other twin loved his brother. That had been all he needed to keep his feelings at bay. So, he'd simply basked in the light of their company whenever he could. It had been sufficient.

"Almost there! Still with me, Blue?" The smile that Sideswipe sent him made his CPU whirl. All coherent thought seemed to trip over itself as did his feet. Launching forward in free fall, he yelped and shuttered his optics. "Whoa!"

Three. Two… There was no impact even though he'd been counting down the seconds. Bringing his optics back on, he felt strong arms wrapped about his middle and Sideswipe's nose close to one audio receptor. Gasping, he shuttered his optics again and began to tremble.

"Hey… Blue… you ok?" The concern in that musical voice made him finally turn his head and look straight into the Lamborghini's optics. For a moment, he was so happy that he couldn't blush like a human.

"Y-yeah… sorry! I didn't mean to fall like that! I wasn't watching where my feet were and…." He stopped when Sideswipe chuckled and helped him settle on his feet. Once he had his footing, he was surprised that one hand stayed at the center of his back.

"Well, your clumsiness has good timing. Look!" Sweeping his free hand out, he followed the gesture to see that they now stood on a cliff side overlooking the human city at dusk. Lights twinkled to life one by one drawing his optics to and fro. It was oddly pretty. The silhouetted buildings and twinkling lights gave him the illusion of Cybertron from so many years ago.

"Oh… wow…"

"Yeah… thought you'd like that."

"How?"

"Just a guess."

Bluestreak turned to look at Sideswipe's profile and felt his spark flutter. How would he make such a lucky guess? Drawing the arm recently touched by Sides to his chest, he placed his other hand over it silently. "Good guess."

"What's that look, Blue? I wanted you to be happy not look like I played one of my worst most notorious pranks on ya!" The laugh he gave was at the wrong octave to be natural. It was so obvious that the other mech was nervous.

"I'm not upset!" Instantly answering, he waved his hands in front of him to elaborate how wrong the assumption was. "I just… I'm just…"

"Ah ha! Speechless! I have made the chatterbox of the Autobot cause completely speechless! I am made of so much win." Sideswipe practically posed as he smirked at the smaller mech.

"Hey!" Swatting at the Lamborghini, his processor froze a second when Sides caught his hand in mid motion.

"Just playing with ya, Blue." Smiling softly, Sides absently curled his fingers about the captured limb. "But I brought you out here cause I wanted to talk to ya…"

"T-Talk to me?"

"Yeah…" It was so quiet that he had to strain to hear it. What on earth was… oh… Sunny wasn't here. His chassis felt like it had sunk to his feet. Sideswipe must have found out about his feelings… and now he was trying to soften the blow. But how? When had he let on about how he felt? Pulling away quickly from the Lamborghini, he shuffled to the ridge and stared down the sheer fall for something to do.

"Oh? Ah… well… you shouldn't have pulled me away while I was on duty. Prowl's gonna have my doorwings for this…" He was chattering again nervously and faster than normal. Bluestreak didn't want to hear the let down… it was so much easier to pretend.

"Hey… hey! Slow down. What's got you worked up?" The larger mech looked slightly confused as he moved to his side and leaned forward to look into his face. At first he tried to look away, but he swallowed his fear and tried to look impassive.

"I… I don't know if I want to hear what you have to say."

"You don't even know what I have to say…"

"But I…!"

"I love you!"

"I said—you what?" All processes came to a screeching halt and for a moment he stared at Sideswipe with the blankest expression that had ever been on his face in his lifetime.

"I said…" Hesitating, Sideswipe less certainly said it again. "I love you."

Watching the warrior shift stiffly, he mused that he'd never seen this sort of nervousness before in the Lamborghini. This was a mech that went one on one with Seekers in mid air, and yet Bluestreak realized he was the one that made him nervous. Opening his mouth, he felt the elation; joy, worry, and then fear washed over him. It was everything he ever wanted, but then one thought came into his mind. Sunstreaker.

"I… I can't."

"What?" Bluestreak winced at the crestfallen look on Sideswipes' face. "You… don't feel the same then… huh?" There was so much pain in that countenance that Bluestreak nearly jumped to hug the elder.

"No! That's not it! I do feel the same! It's just… Oh Primus… It's everything I could ever hope for!" Struggling to get it out, he watched Sideswipe stare at him in confusion unsure if he should be happy or upset with this turn of events. "But, Sunny! I can't do that to Sunny…"

"Sunny?"

Pure perplexity seemed to wash over the larger mech as he tried to see why his twin had anything to do with this equation. Dear Primal Source… Sideswipe must not see just what he meant to his brother… Frowning deeply, the Gunner reached out and placed his hands gently on Sideswipes' forearms. "He'd… he'd not go for this."

"Oh…" Sides' jaw clenched visibly as he fell into thought. Blue felt like his world was falling apart. Here he was, at the edge of finding everything he ever wanted, and he had to let it go. If they waltzed into the Ark 'together'… Sunstreaker would be sparkbroken. "Well… we could… you know… wait and see where it goes. Then when we're sure…"

They would break it to Sunny. He understood and felt so guilty for agreeing. Nodding quickly, he tightened his hands about the red Lamborghini's arms. "That… that would work."

"Well then…" The cocky grin was back on Sides' face as he lightly pried those hands off of his arms. "I know you're happy, but the death grip isn't necessary." Grinning far too attractively, Bluestreak felt his fans kick into high gear to keep up.

"You!" Trying to swat the other again, his wrist was caught and in one smooth moment he was pulled forward as Sideswipe leaned down. The contact was surprisingly gentle as their lips met, and he swore he would have melted right then. He wouldn't regret this… they'd tell Sunstreaker soon. Yes… they would. Until then… this was all he needed. It was already so much more…

-End Flashback-

In the end, he never did tell Sunstreaker. There was no reason to; that had been their first and last kiss that day. The following had been the day he'd lost everything. For one sunset, they'd stayed together and enjoyed the simple company and soft caresses. He'd felt far too guilty to do anything more with the red twin. Even though Sideswipe may have been oblivious, Bluestreak didn't have that excuse.

That was why it hurt so much when Sunstreaker exploded on him that day. He'd been so wrong not to tell the yellow warrior. Maybe it was just karma that he wasn't even allowed to enjoy his 'secret' relationship with the longtime focus of his affection. To this day, he couldn't tell if he kept it a secret as a kindness to the other warrior, or if he'd done it in order to keep Sides.

Time and time again, he'd seen how Sideswipe would bend to his brother's whims. Sunstreaker made it a habit of picking fights with fellow comrades leaving them both in med bay. When he was contrary with the command staff, Sideswipe was the one to be there and ease his way out of trouble. He even fought with Sides. The fights would be horrible at times, but Sideswipe would shrug it off and take care of his twin regardless. In the end, Bluestreak was absolutely certain that just as easily, if Sunstreaker said no, Sideswipe would leave him. That was guilt he couldn't get past, and he hadn't gotten past it for the last four years.

Now it was added on to the guilt of knowing that as soon as Ratchet told him that Sides could come back, there was no question about the downside. There was nothing he wouldn't do to have the other back… but now as he sat there quietly with Jazz's hand on his back, he felt like a complete unfeeling fool.

"So ya see, Blue… it's possible that one of 'em might die if they go through with it. And as far as I know, Sunny'd be the first t'give up the ghost to save his brother. Know what I mean?"

"Yeah…" He knew more than he wanted to let on. Leaning against the table in the Rec Room, he bowed his head slowly. The words of the Lamborghini were echoing in his head even now.

_I bet… you wouldn't even care what the danger was, you'd just want him back._

He'd not even stopped to know what the danger was. All he'd wanted was to hear Sideswipe's voice again and feel his touch. Sunstreaker had been so right about it that it hurt to even think about it.

"Ya ok, Blue?"

_All that matters is that he comes back… right Blue?_

"I'm fine…" He didn't feel like he had the right to even take the comfort of others right now. All the talking and laughing couldn't alleviate the pain he felt right now.

"Ya don look so good…"

_Well… maybe I don't want to give him back…_

Wincing, the Gunner knew in his own spark, that Sunstreaker had the right to say that. If he could be underhanded about their relationship, Sunstreaker could be cruel and selfish in return. But… what about what Sideswipe wanted? He wished suddenly that he'd stayed in that room and swallowed down the pain to talk it through with the Lamborghini.

"Yo? Blue?" Giving a sigh, Jazz leaned back in his seat and lightly flicked a doorwing instantly getting the Datsun's attention. "Look… I know you loved Siders t'death… pardon the wording… But ya gotta know that Sunny ain't the easiest to confront in moment like these."

Horror filled his face at Jazz's words. "How did you?!"

"Aw, c'mon, Blue! Ya know I know everything to know about everything." Smirking, the Special Ops officer gave a mock salute then sobered. "Anyway… it was hard not to see it the way you broke down over his death. Not to mention how quiet ya've been ever since. You didn't really start talking like usual till Sunny came out to dwell among the living."

"Oh…" Once again he looked down feeling the guilt. Sunstreaker had made the first attempt to live where he'd stayed withdrawn. Who had handled it better? Letting out a long gust from his exhausts, he shuffled about to rest his forehead to his palm.

"You two had a tiff, huh?"

"Yeah…"

"Best not let yourself stew in it. Sunny says lots of stuff in the heat of a moment. It's how he lets go'a things."

Nodding slowly, he allowed the smallest hint of a smile. He'd always known that. After being the twins' mascot for so long, he knew how volatile the yellow warrior was. How easy it was to forget.

"Feelin' better?"

"I'll feel better after I talk to him again…"

"That's the spirit!" Lifting a cube of energon, the Porsche did a mock cheers and downed it. "So… tell me… how did you make it through those four years afterward? If ya don mind me askin'."

"Oh… well…"

-Flashback-

The two had managed to slip past Prowl in the darkness, but he had a feeling it was because the SIC let them. No one gave the tactician due credit for what he knew. Walking as quietly as they could, it was getting hard not to giggle whenever Sideswipe poked softly at his side or teasingly ran a fingertip along the edge of his doorwing.

"I don't think I want to go in…"

"Then don't." Smirking, the Lamborghini grabbed his arm and dragged him back against him playfully and leaned down to speak into his audio processor. "But you'll be sorry after a night without recharge. You never handle that well, Blue."

"Hush! I can!" Squirming indignantly, he huffed as the elder snickered in his audio. "I'm afraid to sleep…"

"Why?"

"Cause I don't want to wake up and find this didn't happen…"

"Ah… Hm…" Thinking, the warrior made soft noises as he turned thoughts over in his head. Blue was completely aware that it was merely a tool to tease him with. "Afraid of nightmares?" He could feel the grin in that voice.

"I didn't say!"

"Hushabye, hushabye…" Stirring in surprise at the soft lyrical song, he realized that the Lamborghini was quietly singing in his audio. "Oh my darlin' don't you cry, guardian angels up above, take care of the one I love…"

Shuttering his optics, his lips parted slightly as the tremor ran through his systems. How had he not known Sides could sing? As the song continued, he felt the embrace tighten a moment.

"Lullabye and goodnight, in your dreams I hold you tight…" Shivering again at the gentle harmony, he felt as though the universe suddenly made sense. "Lullabye and goodnight, til the dawn's early light…" He would hold those words close for as long as his spark existed. As the warrior closed the song, he slowly pulled away and chuckled. "There… now you can sleep."

"O…o-okay!" Struggling to speak, he allowed the warrior to shove him into the Ark. He never knew those would be the lines he'd play to himself every time he was alone in his room for years to come.

-End Flashback-

_Can you take me high enough  
Can you fly me over yesterday  
Can you take me high enough  
It's never over  
Yesterday's just a memory, I'm running  
I was running for the door  
The next thing I remember  
I was running back for more  
Yeah..._

_Don't say goodbye  
Say you're gonna stay forever_

-Finé-

The song that Sides sang to Blue was "Hushabye" by the Beach Boys. I know… I'm so sad… I love their music and it just worked. XD


End file.
